Muffin Pan Therapy

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you felt like life was off kilter and did not know why? I have kinda had one of those weeks. Incredibly busy....lots to do....seemingly not enough hours in the day to do it......but honestly, that is not all that unusual for me. But this week.....well.....I still cannot totally put my finger on it! A bit of sadness....a bit of worry....a bit of insecurity....all mixed together with little if any justification for it.

Now those of you who know me, know that I rarely have a down day.....and I cannot even say that I am down.....just mysteriously edgy......unexplicatively uncertain. Not about life, or love, or family or faith.....solidly grounded in all those areas for the moment :) Maybe it's hormones :) Isn't that the catch all for all things without concrete proof?? That or it's just a virus :)

It kind of came to a culmination tonight. After dinner I was preparing mini pumpkin cupcakes for our huge First Fruits (Church Anniversary) Celebration....Mark and all the kids at home on a Saturday night....which I just love (and is a rarity at their ages!).....and me...baking in the kitchen (which I also love)....all the makings of a "Perfect Saturday Night" at home. I had just finished icing the mini muffins.....and putting them in a container for tomorrow....(about a dozen fewer than came out of the oven thanks to the "muffin snitches" in my family). And as I dipped my hands into the dishpan to wash the mini muffin tins.....It happened ..... I Started tearing up at the kitchen sink.....thankfully everyone else was involved in TV or Laptop Land....so they were not paying any attention to my sniffing as I scrubbed.

I scrubbed, and sniffed....sniffed and scrubbed. I got SO frustrated with myself...."These blasted mini muffin pans are so hard to clean!" And then the tears really started to build.....Why? Because I realized these were HER pans....my Moms.....then it hit me. She has been dead seven years. The anniversary of her death was last month......but this year it did not weigh so heavily on my mind during the actual month of September....but obviously it caught up with me in October!

As I continued to scrub the seemlessly impossible to clean pans.....I thought about the hundreds of mini fruit cake cookies we made in those pans. Mom started making fruit cake cookies because....well, I liked them. :) We have this whole "Secretive Springs Family Fruitcake Recipe" that has been passed down in our family....but I never really liked it. But Momma found this fruitcake cookie recipe...tried it....my brother and I loved them! So she made them every Christmas. Unfortunately....my job was often to "scrub the pans"....and I hated it! (But I loved the cookies and my Mom, so scrub them, I did.)

As I sat there, scouring the pans...fighting back the tears, I thought about the hours of complaining I probably did when she asked me to scrub the exact same pans. (No such thing as Teflon coated, non-stick pans in her day....but hey, they have lasted longer than my fancier ones!) Oh, how I wish I just had one minute for every hour I griped about having to clean them for her....somehow magically stored up in time....so I could use one of them to talk to her right now. I still miss her SO much....guess I always will....that is until the day we are reunited again! Hallelujah for that!

So tonight, I prepared mini muffins to celebrate a special anniversary (First Fruits).....and I tearfully scrubbed Mommas mini muffin pans to commemorate a different anniversary (Mom's home-going). Both important....both special....both huge parts of who I am.

Still not sure it explains the mysterious, off-kilter kind of funk I've been in......but I sure felt better after a good cry. Maybe it is hormones :)

What ever it is....I have faith it will get better....and if Momma was here...I know what she would say. She would say, "This too, shall pass..".... I heard her say it many, many times.....and she was always right....it always did pass and life was good again.

Thankful today for tearful, muffin pan therapy,
~Scarlett